"But I Love Him"
A LETTER TO AN ABUSE VICTIM
Dear You,
Since writing Hollow Ground, I have had the opportunity to connect with women like you who have been or remain in abusive relationships. Your withdrawal was kicking into high gear when you made a heartfelt comment to me that many abuse victims make, “But I love him.”
Abuse victims tend to have difficulty distinguishing between love and abuse (I did too). You do not yet understand that you have been groomed to be the victim. Someone has skillfully taught you to live in fear and shame under their rule. Your abuser has stolen your self-confidence and self-love without your permission. You have lost sight of your self-worth. All this may have occurred in your current relationship, or you may have been affected by abuse in childhood, within your family or in relationships previous to your marriage. Moving forward it will be essential for you to determine when and how the abuse began.
The two of us spoke of your situation for about a week while you were in hiding, talking late into the night through your tears. I was relieved to see you working through difficult sessions with your therapist. I watched as you endured court dates to finalize your restraining order. After all that work to free yourself, you returned to your abuser, because “You love him.” You missed him so much that it hurt. You were afraid he would act on his threat to harm himself if you were to divorce. You worried what the future might hold for you as a single mom. He missed your children. He promised to do better next time. And you believed him. Just like you have before.
What was said during our late night discussions that you did not hear, is that you can love someone and still leave. You can love someone but love yourself more. Love will not save your relationship, and it could actually make the abuse worse. In fact, your love could be the enabler. Your love could be what enhances the control. Your love will not heal your abuser, and it could eventually destroy you. Love should not hurt. In cases of abuse, the word love is highly overrated, and its definition is skewed to fit the manipulative nature and demands of your abuser. To an abuser, the meaning of love equals control.
What you don’t understand is that love is nothing more than an emotion. So if you’re going to focus on emotion, let’s make sure to include all the feelings you face daily in your current relationship - shame, fear, loneliness, sadness, humiliation, uncertainty, anger, angst, confusion, trauma, and isolation. Just to name a few. How does love outweigh all of that?
Please don’t think I am judging you. I understand why it is taking you so long to reach your turning point. *I know first-hand that in the midst of emotional abuse, your sense of normalcy shifts from the center, bringing imbalance to all aspects of your once-normal life and altering your emotional equilibrium. Words and actions you have never found acceptable, now seem like the norm; a regular occurrence. Strangely, the offenses penetrate you less as your skin thickens from the harshness of your life.
Your happy existence has evolved into managing the abusive tendencies that now berate you without notice. Everything runs the risk of grave consequences. You spend most of your energy catching your breath and trying to find moments of peace to refuel yourself. You have learned that confusion and conflict will inevitably ravage the mind and body. Yet still, you return.*
In survival mode, you live in a whirlwind of confusion while your brain chemicals go into overload. **The Fight-or-Flight Response happens when the body's sympathetic nervous system is activated due to the sudden release of hormones during abusive cycles with your partner. The sympathetic nervous systems stimulate the adrenal glands triggering the release of catecholamines, which include adrenaline and noradrenaline.** The duration and intensity of the abuse cause the brain to rely heavily on these chemicals to rebalance itself. This need for constant brain activity make it difficult to live without the stress and anxiety your brain has become accustomed to. So abuse is not only emotional, physical or financial, it can include a chemical shock as well, which is why the victim often feels such a devastating withdrawal after leaving an abusive situation. Your brain could actually be calling you back to the chaos, just like the brain calls an alcoholic back to addiction. In essence, your brain has become accustomed to living in overload, and it doesn’t want to relinquish that control. It takes time and therapy to repair the damage, so have patience as you retrain your brain to thrive on a peaceful existence rather than barely surviving on jolts of trauma.
When you find yourself once more at the crossroad of leaving, try not to turn back the next time just because you claim to love your abuser. Keep moving forward. Knowledge is power so continue to educate yourself on the phases and effects of domestic abuse. Go back to your therapist and keep your support system nearby. I will be here whenever you need me, waiting to welcome you with open arms. Love yourself. I wish you well on your journey to the freedom side of abuse.
Peace, Stella Jacobs Author of Hollow Ground
*Excerpt from Hollow Ground - Chapter 17
https://www.amazon.com/Hollow-Ground-Reclaiming-self-love-domestic-ebook/dp/B07W6XQT17/ref=sr_1_4?dchild=1&keywords=Hollow+Ground+Book&qid=1585881788&sr=8-4
**Excerpt from Trauma of Domestic Violence - 7 Ways it Alters Your Life