Healing After Leaving

So, it's the beginning of a new year, and everyone is talking about prosperity and abundance. But if you are in a toxic relationship, then those resolutions could be far-reaching for you at the moment. A few years back, when I was in your shoes, my only wish was to take a deep breath without my chest feeling like it was going to crack open from stress.

In January 2014, I was eighteen months into my marriage, and barely existing in survival mode. My new year's resolution was to leave my husband while developing an onset of amnesia so that I could erase the abuse and the marriage from my memory forever.

So I set out on a path to honor my resolution. Throughout 2014, my mind generated anxious thoughts as I formulated a safe exit plan. I told my husband nothing. I made no sudden moves. I secretly read books on abuse and became entrenched in spiritual teachings because “knowledge is power.” I kept my ego at bay, and my thoughts to myself as the emotional abuse escalated, and our marriage spiraled downward. So many scenarios haunted me as I lay awake at night overthinking every detail, knowing that my mind was the only safe place to trust for this kind of planning. But at the same time I was becoming paralyzed by fear of - basically everything. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. I was still stuck.

On November 14th, 2014, just a few weeks before facing another New Year's resolution, I left him. The split didn't resemble my initial plan, but I had done enough strategizing during the year to know what to do when the opportunity presented itself.

I had convinced myself that once I left the marriage, I could return to a peaceful life, but that turned out to be wrong. He was gone, but the abuse still lived in my mind and body. The emotional wounds, once internal and unrecognizable to others, now showed itself through my sunken eyes, while stress-induced vertigo made me dizzy multiple times per day. Even though our bed was now mine, his negative energy remained between the sheets. Insomnia arrived each evening, and nightmares followed once I was lucky enough to drift off to a restless sleep. I soon realized that divorcing a psychopath is far more exhausting than being married to one. His endless intimidation throughout the divorce process didn’t leave much time to focus on healing myself.

The pretty side of healing from abuse includes scented candles as you listen to Eckhart Tolle on YouTube to strengthen your spirit. Yoga will certainly help to replenish your mind and body. Friends and family will sigh in relief that you’ve established the No-Contact Rule with your abusive partner. This is all good stuff,— but living on the freedom side of abuse means that you leave your abuser and the emotional damage behind. The two go hand in hand.

It is here where you must go inward to examine where you have been and where you wish to go. You must retrain your brain, steady your nervous system and establish stronger boundaries. These are all things that do not get fixed on the fast-track. It takes time and it isn’t always pretty. If this healing phase is left unattended, then the trauma will remain inside of you. You can't out-run it, and you can't ignore it. If you ignore it and choose to just live with it, then there’s a good chance you will carry over your reactive defenses to a new relationship.

But there is a way out! You can succeed in healing your soul if you face the pain head-on by expelling the shame and fear that someone else fed to you. Healing is like practicing for a marathon. You hate every single mile, but when you cross the finish line, it won’t matter if you came if first, middle or last. All that will matter is that you finished the race. Healing takes courage. It replaces shame with self-love. It prepares you for the rest of your life and I know you have what it takes to get the job done.

Just start where you are, preferably with a therapist or life coach who is trained in treating your symptoms. Contact your local shelter to reinforce your decision to leave. They can guide you and help you along the way. Shelters are your light in the storm. Do not hesitate to reach out to them.

Try not to waste your time searching for rational answers about the abuse you endured. Why? Because abuse is not logical and there are no words to clarify the fact that someone you loved did such horrible things to you. Keep the focus on yourself and refuse to let the abuse define who you are.

Change the stories you tell others. Ask yourself, “Do I want to tell a victim story or a survivor story? Update your loved-ones about how far you’ve come in your healing, rather than repeating an abuse story that is now part of your past. Write down your goals - read them and revise them daily. Cry when you need to. Take naps. Speak of appreciation for where you are on your healing path. For example, how would you feel if tomorrow you woke up and said, “Today I am lucky to be healing rather than hurting.” That one simple sentence shows how very far you have come.

This is the time to take back your power. You know you deserve better, so go for it. Do the hard work of healing deeply. Find your voice even if it trembles, and don't stop until you feel free inside. Take as long as you need - six months, a year or two years - whatever works for you. As you pass through the healing phase, you will see that underneath it all; there is a brand new you. You have turned the page and started a new chapter that is filled grace and purpose. You really can change your life in a year.

Carry on. Love and honor yourself. You've earned it.

Peace, Stella ~ Author of Hollow Ground